on our new place
Jun. 19th, 2013 01:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mitsenegetting real excited about moving next month. dan also got hired at a pretty good job that starts next month as well! so i'm stoked for that. him actually having spending money now means i'll have to pay less for groceries and other necessities he wasn't able to contribute with a 30 hour work week. so we can afford not only to move, but to upgrade certain parts of our household, after the move and later this year - better TV (we've been using his 15 year old CRT since 2009), possibly a wii u, organization/studio improvements, able to put money into savings for a house with more than one income stream...
i do feel like a 'boring grownup' lately. even the most tumultuous things in my life that happen don't affect me as deeply or harshly as they used to. i feel so much more stable... solid. stronger. resistant to change, though.
i've been rereading my old entries from 2004-2007. the rollercoaster ride of those 3 years had so much drama and heartache and issues. i've wondered since years past, what really led up to my breakdown in 2006? and looking back, i can see signs.. fighting with family members, inability to perceive usefulness to my life, anger at myself for being indecisive, sadness, but the refusal to accept these things as what they were, to accept help until i had nothing left. there just was this sense of impending doom for the months leading up to it. something was going to happen, even if all that thing was to move out of state. which didn't happen... i think of myself as a fool sometimes when i think back as to who i was back in those years, the dumb things i did. was i cruel? full of anxiety/depression? or was i just on the last precipice of childhood? then i think, what would i think if it was some other kid that did that? And i just remember the bad feelings, and i pity my old self, wish i could go back in time and tell them that it gets better. of course, if i did that, then i wouldn't even meet the reason that it gets better. so i am perpetually stuck in this timeline, shadows first and then the light.
as much as i miss the intensity that music and emotion used to fuel my drawing and art, i don't miss the horrible sense of pain it inflicted emotionally.
i do feel like a 'boring grownup' lately. even the most tumultuous things in my life that happen don't affect me as deeply or harshly as they used to. i feel so much more stable... solid. stronger. resistant to change, though.
i've been rereading my old entries from 2004-2007. the rollercoaster ride of those 3 years had so much drama and heartache and issues. i've wondered since years past, what really led up to my breakdown in 2006? and looking back, i can see signs.. fighting with family members, inability to perceive usefulness to my life, anger at myself for being indecisive, sadness, but the refusal to accept these things as what they were, to accept help until i had nothing left. there just was this sense of impending doom for the months leading up to it. something was going to happen, even if all that thing was to move out of state. which didn't happen... i think of myself as a fool sometimes when i think back as to who i was back in those years, the dumb things i did. was i cruel? full of anxiety/depression? or was i just on the last precipice of childhood? then i think, what would i think if it was some other kid that did that? And i just remember the bad feelings, and i pity my old self, wish i could go back in time and tell them that it gets better. of course, if i did that, then i wouldn't even meet the reason that it gets better. so i am perpetually stuck in this timeline, shadows first and then the light.
as much as i miss the intensity that music and emotion used to fuel my drawing and art, i don't miss the horrible sense of pain it inflicted emotionally.
