Recent Entries

Current Music: pool kids - leona street

driven

i feel like the last few years, i have been driven by my passions. which is to say, i have to do the hyperfixation thing that is in my brain lately. and there's no other option. i do the thing. i just do it. there's no 'or else'. it's like i'm driven by some kind of inner motor that's completely drowning out all other things.

i reached some kind of point of burnout in 2019 where i no longer have the capabilities to do creative work for other people on a regular basis. i've done some commissions for nice people with interesting characters, but nothing to the extent that i used to, where i was actually kinda making a living out of it, before covid and AI. i agreed to illustrate a children's book at some point in 2023 and i'm STILL working on it. i just need to get it done, the logical part of my brain knows this. i'm working on it a little every day, it'll get done, it's just... yeah.

whatever part of me used to put my own projects on hold to work for other people now has its neck under the boot of The Passions.

( Read more... )

Current Music: elliott smith - waltz #2 XO

the extinction

every now and then i get this obsession with the K-T extinction event.

like i just learned that the reentry ejecta probably heated the atmosphere to at least 500-600 degrees. F.

what survives that? how does anything survive that? if that were to happen today, how would anyone survive? even if they did, would they be able to find enough food to continue on?? would you even want to??

the word that comes to mind when i think of the absolute raging fire on the planet at the time is 'raze'.

the world was razed to the ground.

any time anyone mentions the apocalypse, i want to say, 'but it's already happened.' literally the worst case scenario has come to pass, and life, somehow, has made it.

whether humans would is another question entirely.

moving forward

it's taken me so many years to realize i was just as wrong

i've been rereading old entries. i was so immature. it's weird how i feel like the same person but at the same time my old self feels like such a... child.

what would my younger self think of me now? does it matter? i didn't know much back then.

i woke up this morning with a weird dream, about legacy. what do we leave behind? does it matter? does what we do matter at all? if this planet is gonna be smashed to smithereens at some point, what are we doing?

i'm making this comic because i need to make something. need to do something. but in the process it's burning up a lot of old memories, old feelings, old guilts. old and new anxieties. i'm trying so hard to change for the better, just like she will, somehow. maybe. if i succeed, she'll succeed. we'll find out if i can finish this story in a few years.

Current Music: motion sickness - phoebe bridgers

i am so tired

thinking again about all the stuff i owe people. i hate it, i work full time i want time for my own fucking projects.

buzzing behind my eyes. i want a break. what am i thinking about.

i'm afraid i might die before this thing gets finished. what if i get in an accident? i'm also afraid of taking too long to do the script, but at the same time i want to get the story right if i'm going to be spending a while drawing it out.

i'm afraid of being too tropy. but i'm not clever enough to avoid tropes.

is my writing as bad as my art? just kind of eh? maybe good enough?

blah. why am i worrying about this shit. it doesn't matter. what matters is making it.

Current Music: the background - teb

like i always used to do

when things start looking okay and you forget that there was a time limit to it

and it's just, numb, but also it hurts, like freezing

fucking up at work. trying not to invest in it emotionally anymore. my biggest problem with work is when i care.

it feels like a different person. like i was literally a different person and i'm carrying around someone else's vague, blurry memories. i remember being here and doing these things, and liking that, or this, and talking to this person, or that. but not really. not the details. and don't get me started on childhood... it's basically like a watercolor painting that's all just... yeah.

sometimes i can remember pieces. with music, or a sense. and then i replay it and wear the memory out.

fog

i guess i'll always be that kind of person, who needs to listen to music and draw their feelings because they can't verbalize them.

my social media 'diet'

on thanksgiving i started a social media break. before that i started checking less and less and started actively avoiding the news. it really started after the election. my anxiety was so high i felt like crying constantly and like the end of the wold was coming. I took out survival books from the library and started stocking up food.

it's been two, three, maybe four weeks since then. i've checked facebook maybe 5-6 times. was late responding to a joke or two. I've also almost entirely gone off twitter. i popped back in here and there to say i wasn't dead, and i was just not going to be on as much.

this was a long time coming. even when i was in high school i would get tired of being online and think, man someday i'm just going to disappear into the woods without a computer and live in a cabin with barely electricity and plumbing. but it wasn't so bad then. before smartphones, going online was an effort. before i had an office job, getting access to the internet was an effort. but now i'm constantly connected. we're all constantly connected. it's not just about my internet friends anymore where i can imagine them behind their avatars, and hide behind mine. now there is no 'online' and 'IRL'. the internet is IRL, and no one is nice on it.

i started because i hated the news. i ended up finding a few other benefits as well.

i don't have to tell everyone everything online anymore. i don't need to tweet something just because it's on my mind b/c i have to stay active. i can do things and not ever tell them. things can stay in my brain. i don't know how i forgot this was an option.

i didn't think i was one of those people who was constantly comparing themselves to others, but after i got off social media, i realized i was happier without seeing other people's better art, other people's art careers succeed, other people's cooler clothes and better figures, other people's pretty food. the art comparisions especially can be a source of great envy and pain for me.

i am painting for myself and only myself. i am not painting for instagram likes. i am not painting specific subjects to please my friends. i am not painting to try and promote myself and sell my work. i am not falling into the 'i need money so here's some furry art' trap i keep laying for myself. i am painting when i want to, what i want to. no one is going to see this work for months - or if at all, if i don't get it into a gallery or art fair. it has made me evaluate why i paint what i do, and how i started, and not what i 'should' or 'shouldn't' be doing.

i am excercising more and not because i feel like i need to stop from gaining weight but because i can feel a noticeable difference in my mood when i do and don't. i'm taking my time making dinner and baking cookies because i have free time now. these were things that i always enjoyed but stopped doing becuase i felt like i needed to spend more time on art, and more time promoting my art on social media.

the question is, can i keep doing this forever? can i quit completely? i definitely feel better in a lot of ways, but i keep having the feeling like at some point, i 'have to go back'. i have a small handful of friends and acquaintances that i can only talk to online and that i like interacting with. deleting accounts seems like an unnecessary act of defiance, but letting them go fallow and just letting them idle seems like less like a statement and more like the truth. kind of like this livejournal that i post in twice a year. it's not dead but fuck if i check it more than once every 6 months.

another small truth is that if i stop managing my social media, that possibility of being able to live off my art from online sales will be gone. but perhaps it's time to try a different approach. i've been trying to sell my work online only for years. etsy hasn't gotten me much more than $15 profit a month since 2011, and the ROI of furry commissions... i'm not sure it's worth the time in front of the computer.

i've tended to make decisions like this suddenly - delete account! rename my business! stop drawing furry! start drawing furry again! do abstract! stop abstract! this time... i'm going to take my time and think about it, think about what i really want to do, and commit to it.

burds

birds i've seen since we got suet cake/birdfeeder:

house sparrow

song sparrow

tufted titmouse

blue jays

grackles

nuthatches

cardinals

rose-breasted grosbeak

house finch

downy woodpecker

red-bellied woodpecker

starling

hairy woodpecker

dark eyed junco

Current Music: joanna newsom- in california

(no subject)

While, moving across my land,
brandishing themselves
like a burning branch,
advance the tallow-colored,
walleyed deer,
quiet as gondoliers,

[[ while I wait all night, for you,
in California,
watching the fox pick off my goldfish
from their sorry, golden state – ]]

and I am no longer
afraid of anything, save
the life that, here, awaits.

why i dont like having long hair.

1: it's hot during the summer.
2. when you put it in a ponytail or bun in the summer, it pulls on your scalp, and feels really weird/uncomfortable when you finally take it out. *shudder*
3. it takes like 2+ hours to airdry, which means you have to shower at night if you want dry hair in the morning when you go to work
4. because it takes so damn long to dry, you don't wash your hair as much (plus someone on the internet said not washing your hair is better for it... something about hair oils.)
5. because you don't wash your hair as much, you don't use dandruff shampoo as much, so your scalp starts to get itchy, flaky and oily in weird patches.
6. when you do wash it, you have to use a handful of shampoo and conditioner each
7. if you don't wash out your conditioner enough, it'll get all over your skin/shoulders/chest/back, make your torso oily, and make you have body acne.
8. the ends of your hair are old, and more fragile, and require more beauty products like hair oils and such.
9. on non-shampoo days, if you have dark hair and put dry shampoo in your hair, it looks grey. because white is the default color for dry shampoo. as if everyone is blonde.
10. snags, snarls, knots.
11. who the fuck has that much time in the morning to spend braiding their hair into fishtails or hair buns or whatever the hell you gotta do to manage it? i mean braids are fun but 99% of the time i just go the lazy route (crappy ponytail that looks like garbage) so what's the point
12. hair ties. must have hair ties at all times. endless supply of them (especially if cats keep batting them under things).
13. you get it caught in your armpits, or in the car door, or god knows what else.
14. my cat loves sitting on my pillow at night, which means stepping on my hair and pulling it when i'm trying to fall asleep.
15. how much time do i have to spend brushing my hair just to make myself not look helena bonham carter-crazy i mean really
16. guys like girls with long hair. as someone actively trying to dissuade any human male from hitting on me, this is a negative.
17. i look nicer. i mean like, a nicer person. see above, except 'actively trying to dissuade pretty much any of the human populace that i don't know from talking to me'.
18. i have all these dangly earrings that no one fucking sees when buried in long hair!
19. long hair + lots of jewelry + heavy eye makeup = whoa too much. short tomboyish hair + jewelry + heavy eye makeup = just enough girly
20. i feel more like myself when i have short hair. long hair, i feel like i'm attempting to fit into someone else's box. not even like 'derp normal girl' box, since i tried the turquoise hair thing to get it to be more unique again, but just like... someone else. even with long hair, when i would doodle myself i would still default to giving myself short hair until i realized what i was doing. that tells me it's an oddly integral part of my self-image. a tiny rebellion against social gender norms.
21. cats. because cats.

on our new place

getting real excited about moving next month. dan also got hired at a pretty good job that starts next month as well! so i'm stoked for that. him actually having spending money now means i'll have to pay less for groceries and other necessities he wasn't able to contribute with a 30 hour work week. so we can afford not only to move, but to upgrade certain parts of our household, after the move and later this year - better TV (we've been using his 15 year old CRT since 2009), possibly a wii u, organization/studio improvements, able to put money into savings for a house with more than one income stream...

i do feel like a 'boring grownup' lately. even the most tumultuous things in my life that happen don't affect me as deeply or harshly as they used to. i feel so much more stable... solid. stronger. resistant to change, though.
i've been rereading my old entries from 2004-2007. the rollercoaster ride of those 3 years had so much drama and heartache and issues. i've wondered since years past, what really led up to my breakdown in 2006? and looking back, i can see signs.. fighting with family members, inability to perceive usefulness to my life, anger at myself for being indecisive, sadness, but the refusal to accept these things as what they were, to accept help until i had nothing left. there just was this sense of impending doom for the months leading up to it. something was going to happen, even if all that thing was to move out of state. which didn't happen... i think of myself as a fool sometimes when i think back as to who i was back in those years, the dumb things i did. was i cruel? full of anxiety/depression? or was i just on the last precipice of childhood? then i think, what would i think if it was some other kid that did that? And i just remember the bad feelings, and i pity my old self, wish i could go back in time and tell them that it gets better. of course, if i did that, then i wouldn't even meet the reason that it gets better. so i am perpetually stuck in this timeline, shadows first and then the light.

as much as i miss the intensity that music and emotion used to fuel my drawing and art, i don't miss the horrible sense of pain it inflicted emotionally.

on dreams

when you have something in your mind that's so mystical and perfect.. it's the world through a song, it's the world through a photo filter. it's the dream of a garden in a photo from a book. it's the fog and the memory and the photographs of things you can't remember. and to get that blurry, perfect dream of a vision out onto paper or paint is ever the desire, ever the meaning. to get it in a story, to make people feel what you feel. but will they? do they? does it translate perfectly? Can you even get it down the way you see it? Should you just keep it in your mind, forever unsullied by terrible attempts to depict it..?

on where i'm really going.

too many dreams, unrealistic, wafting. none if it is real, none of it is true. most of it feels wrong, makes me have anxiety, makes me doubt myself. i can do so many things, true. we all can. but right now, i have to focus. have to work to make my own dream come true. i am me, my art is mine, i am doing what i'm doing and it's this one singular thing. no more envy, no more doubting, no more indecisions or flightiness, leaping from one potential life route to another. that's stressful - and untrue to myself. just stop. think. really? you really want this?

improve

list, market, sell

travel, connect, sell

practice, practice, practice

someday i'll make it on my own. i don't need that much. i don't, i don't, i don't. i can do this.

Current Mood: positive
Current Music: joy formidable - the greatest light is the greatest shade

on living here

living in CT is kinda been sucky the last couple of years, lol. first we get hurricane'd, then we get hurricane'd again, we get snowed out of halloween 2 times in a row, then some little kids get shot, and then we get so much snow the freaking national guard has to dig us out. ridiculous. not surprised two of my friends just up and moved to california.

it has altered my perception of emergency situations, though. it used to be that thing my paranoid mom did and we all rolled our eyes and were like, jeez mom, stop overreacting. like, that shit would never happen to us, c'mon. but even though i'm not exactly preparing for the zombie apocalypse, i think i'm going to start stocking up bit by bit on necessary equipment. good flashlights, first aid kit, extra cat food & litter, extra people food that lasts for a while. alternatives for items that would normally be considered disposable, and buying the reuseable used one instead. (Though I don't know what we'd use if we ever ran out of toilet paper. I'd say leaves but where ya gonna get leaves under 3 feet of snow in winter?)

anyway, i dont know if it's because i've been trapped in the house for more than usual but i've definitely been more productive lately, and it feels good. not just doing art in general, but actually finishing things, and listing them online. i've been getting more sales which makes me want to be more active on etsy which makes me get more sales so it's a positive feedback loop. i've found doing 8x10 paintings and prints under 11x14 in size is a good way of painting traditionally, while still being able to affordably send the items through the mail without weird packaging or excessive costs. here's hoping things keep on a roll... that someday i'll be able to charge enough for each painting, and get them in good galleries, and sell enough prints online to support myself financially and not have to work a 9-5 office job (!)

Current Location: US, Connecticut, New Haven, Oakley St, 107

Entry tags:

via ljapp

foods guideline

ok, I think I found a diet/food lifestyle that works best for me, doesn't leave me hungry all the time, keeps my stomach from hurting (mostly), isnt crazy expensive and has nutrition, probiotics, and prevents uti's, etc.
-green tea and herbal tea only - caffeinated teas only 1x a day, rarely black tea - honey only additive
-small amounts of sugar - no huge slices of cake, etc- dark chocolate preferred if need choco fix
-no sodas or presweetened beverages
-with the exception of lightly sweetened cranberry juice , 1 big glass 3x a week
-beer: 1-2, never on empty stomach
-wine: 1-2 glasses with one big glass of water beforehand and between each glass, white or rose ( red gives heartburn/headaches)
-low-fat cheeses and/or very sharp cheeses in small portions
-yogurt (reduced fat or Greek) 5x/wk one cup thing a day
-fiber-filled breakfast - shredded wheat, raisin bran
-snacks- apple with peanut butter, carrots and hummus, yogurt, trail mix, granola bars
-Lots of veggies in each meal - at least fist size portion - salads with nuts couple times a week
-brown rice, wheat pasta, quinoa, whole grain bread with lunch/dinner
-proteins: chickpeas, tofu, black beans, tempeh, seitan, veggie burgers, light cheese, unsalted nuts, occasionally tuna cans, baked/sauteed fish, shrimp or sushi
-big cup of water in the morning, cup of water or tea each hour at work, cup of water with dinner
-no super spicy foods - mild mostly, with a dash of medium hotness here or there
-no deep-fried foods, especially not from diners, take out or drive ins (pan fried tofu at home seems ok) - no goddamn French fries! baked fries only!
-food sautéed olive oil only, some exceptions for veg oil or butter
-absolutely no cayenne, chili or hot peppers, pickled jalapeños or curry paste/powder. fresh jalapeños and sriracha ok in small amounts.
- no massively dairy sauces/etc (Alfredo, ice cream, milk shakes) in huge servings, super processed cheeses, or super cheesy/salty pizza (home baked ok)
-eating breakfast, big lunch, small snack, then healthy dinner
-eating when stomach says stop, not just when plate is empty

maybe I'll add more later but I think this is a good unhurty guideline for now.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Entry tags:

WELP that was 2012.

not too bad, really. i kept my 2 inadvertent resolutions - i finally stopped biting my nails enough to grow them out to a regular human female length (workable but not freakishly short), and i stayed at my job for a year, like i promised myself i would. i have yet to find another job that has decent pay and a decent commute - usually it's one or the other. the drawbacks of my job are the relative lack of creativity/transferable skills and no health insurance, but the positives - most i've been paid for a job ever, nice work environment/coworkers/location, tasks i'm actually decent at, and good commute/regular hours/weekends off - are really keeping me there.

i think i got pretty lazy regarding art towards the end of the year, but i'll be.. hopefullly.. fixing that soon-ish. it's hard to get back into the habit of finishing things. i have 3 commissions to finish and then i'm DONE. forever. with them. especially furry ones. after otakon and furfright this year, i'm burnt out. going to conventions for commissions are painful and expensive, and i want some free time after work to make stuff for myself, not feel guilted into drawing for other people. it's gotten to the point where it's a desperation thing now, i don't frequent fA nearly as much as i used to now that i don't absolutely need commissions to pay the bills. i'll be finishing the last three commissions by the end of the week.

i'm going to be improving and learning lots of other creative skills this year, too. i got a nice sewing machine, so i'll be teaching myself how to properly sew actual things with purposes. i've made 3 cat toys so far. next i plan on making one or two more of those, then heat packs filled with rice and some tea leaves, then a small purse/bag thing, then a simple knee-length skirt. once i get those done i'll figure out where to go from there.
i also want to learn origami, especially origami flowers. i got a simple book and some paper for christmas and i'm working on it but i wish the diagrams weren't so convoluted - i don't think this book is written very well for beginners.
i'll be trying my hand at knitting as well. first things first, of course, is a scarf. then there's some beginner patterns on pinterest i can try. a hat, maybe legwarmers for the winter, a rug and a tea cozy for the kitchen if i'm feeling up to it.

i can be very picky with the things i like to wear and use, and stingy with money as well. it'll be awesome to be able to create things that i otherwise have to look for in stores and spend money on. i think it's the idea of self-reliance that really gets me. there's a couple skills like cooking and sewing where once you learn how to do them well enough, you get this sense of independence, like, fuck you grocery store! i can bake bread for $.50 a loaf instead of buying it for $3. you know exactly how and with what it was made. not being able to sew has been irritating me the last couple of years, and the only thing stopping me from learning was my own self (as well as not having a decent sewing machine). but i feel up to it now.

on art and apathy

hard to believe it's november already. friends and I will be having a vegan thanksgiving the weekend after thanksgiving - actually excited for the holiday a bit! interesting. i want to make too many things.

my art 'sense', my sense of obligation to post photos, scans, sketches and paintings online has been dim to burned out lately. i mean, it's been on a downward spiral for a while now. hard to really want to post stuff when every time you touch a computer mouse your hand goes 'noooo...'. i think my tendinitis has conditioned my thought process to go from 'hey i want to draw!' > 'i'm drawing!' to 'hey i want to draw!' > 'Does my hand hurt?' > 'Yes, lets not draw tonight' OR 'No, but i don't want it to start hurting, so lets not draw tonight'. photos are part of this too. it's not just as easy as 'hey i'm going to upload these photos from my camera', it's more like 'does my hand hurt little enough today that i can spend an hour or two uploading these photos? no? ok, let's not, then.' even when i feel ok, my brain goes 'well, it's only a matter of time before it starts to hurt again, best not to aggravate it'.

i don't know. everything is boring. the internet is boring. facebook, tumblr, twitter, they're all the same garbage regurgitated over and over again. tv is boring. movies are boring. books are interesting but also boring (yes, i know. you can be dry and interesting at the same time). it's hard to care anymore. i care about some things, dumb things, family crap that gives me anxiety, my inevitable death, etc. maybe i need a new change of pace? a new setting? a new place to go? coming home after work, it's a bit frustrating. what do i do with my time? drawing hurts. i've checked my usual websites all day online while at work. no internet during the hurricane was the worst. i was simultaneously bored out of my mind and terrified of the fact that i had somehow become one of Those People who can't be entertained without some kind of electronic device channeling crap into their brain. what have i done to myself?

Entry tags:

food

foood allergiieeees

So on sunday i made myself a vegetable curry with tofu and quinoa and rice. It was very tasty but questionable in practice, seeing as the last couple of times i had made myself some curry, i got this weird nausea for a little while. Well, i put that in the back of my mind apparently and was all like 'yeah tasty curry!' and ate it. then it felt gross. I ended up staying up until 5am with stomach cramps, intestinal distress, heightened pulse and inability to sleep - it felt like i was on the verge of an anxiety attack coupled with i-drank-too-much stomach issues. but i hadn't drunk anything for at least 36 hours.
The next day i stayed home from work and did some research. It didn't feel like food poisoning. I sorted out the foods that were in the curry... it seemed like i had an intolerance to either the kale, the bell or hot pepper in the food, or the curry powder itself (or a mix). Considering there was a 'mystery pepper' in it that i had gotten from someone at work that could possibly have been a cayenne - which is also in the curry powder i used - I'm now thinking there's a possibility for an allergy or intolerance for cayenne. I don't really want to test this theory though so I'm just going to avoid spicy foods, especially curry, including bell peppers.

It's been 4 days and my stomach is still 'arrrghh!!'. If i eat anything too sugary or complex my stomach pinches. Considering I have a convention this weekend, this should be fun :| bread seems to be ok, including toast and probably toasted bagels. soup. applesauce. bananas. baked potatoes with nothing much on them. no caffienated teas. i'm having cravings for cottage cheese, whole wheat pizza with low-fat cheese and onions and almost no tomato sauce, and an un-turkey sandwich :( good thing i'm going grocery shopping tonight...

nnyyyarrrrrrr

STILL COMMITTED to that fall thing i swear! last weekend it rained too much to go apple picking :( this weekend we'll hopefully go as well... and get pumpkins too. i want pumpkins and apple cider and caramel apples and apple apples. i found a recipe for apple cider donut cake 8) it's nice now, this weekend it was 75 on saturday (which meant it was like 78-80 in our apt during the day) but now it's down to 49. we finally took out the AC from the windows and turned the heat on. The callery pear out front has been dropping nut-sized hard pear-things on my car for at least two weeks now, the squirrels are going nuts but the leaves on it haven't started changing. In fact all along the coast here it seems like we're a week behind in terms of foliage changing! >:(
someone got canned at my work a little over 2 weeks ago so now i have 5 more hours a week - which is 10 more hours a paycheck. not too shabby! i actually have a little spending/saving money now! i'll be making halloween decorations with construction paper this weekend (lol dorky). I have some photos from vermont and yesterday's walk that i need to post too! i want to start doing photography regularly. i've discovered it as a visual art that's easy on my hands and encourages exercise. i just wish there was more time after work to take pictures before the sun goes down!

Current Music: rasputina - how we quit the forest

it's october!

spent the weekend in vermont. i think i am getting happier with where i am in life on a regular basis, because upon getting home i didn't immediately feel angry and gypped out of life that i have to spend it here instead of in vermont. nope.
the time there was nice and wonderful. such pretty trees! i hope i took enough photos. i wish it hadn't fogged so much though - rain and mist the whole weekend. still, i got some awesome tea, great food that we made/tasted, energizing hike, etc. kinda want to go back in winter and go skiing or something (if we can afford it).
anyway, i need to start tasting the teas around here. there aren't any tea rooms in new haven but there are some coffee/tea cafes with pretty decent teas. i should really taste as many as i could - wishing i was actually downtown more! parking is a bitch. we live just far enough that walking is a pain but driving/parking is also a pain. really should just suck it up and bike :|

so regarding my list of fall stuff... i made a ton of pumpkin chai, most of it is iced now. i made pumpkin bread and ate it all :9 havent gone apple picking yet but i did get some apples. still waiting for the leaves to REALLY start changing all the way - though every day there's more and more yellow/orange. probably gonna start decorating for halloween (yes, more than a week before) and prepping for furfright. i already know what i want to be for halloween (death!) and i have most of the clothes already so it's mostly just getting accessories. i got some b-day money so i think i'm gonna get a sweater & some cute lace up brown boots.

so yeah have this photoset of autumn awesomeness i found

oh! i forgot to mention my mom got a cake for a late-birthday present. it wasss pumpkin cake! haha awesome. so that was fitting!